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So I fell off my bike..it happened now 2 weeks ago. I really can only think of a few times that this has happened to me since Ive been on this planet.. at least under 5 which isnt bad. The last major wipe out I took wasnt really that bad in comparison to this one at all.. and that was back in 2004. (read about it here)
So what went wrong? How did the universe align in just such a way to have me violently thrown off my bike?
Well first off, its hard for me to get the time to go for a bike ride. I only do it for the exercise. I now have a car, so I use that for transportation.. no more riding to Trevor’s house.. or Stefans.. or Daves.. or Dans.. or even Marks! (which was the farthest friend to ride to).
Back in the day, I would even ride with my bass guitar strapped to my back (to Chris Underdrive’s house.. for the brief summer (that I was under the impression) I was a member of Gush Underdrive.) God that was important to me at the time.
But 10+ years later, that faithful Tuesday, I was just riding for pure exercise.
I have now biked at several parks around this city (KC), and decided to check out a new park that was on my way home from work. It was a smaller park, with maybe 2 miles of trail.. but I figured I could just ride around it a few times and be done.
Once I arrived I noted that the park was tiny. There was no one riding bikes. Just old people, and a few people from a wedding that were still having their pictures taken using the pleasant backdrop of nature.
So it started as a typical bike ride like any other.. it had rained the previous day, and was pretty muggy outside. The “Howard Stern” show was playing on my ipod, and the interview involved an Amish model.. so that was entertaining.
So yea.. this entire ride was doomed from the start. The park/trail is obviously set up for a leisurely walk.. or jog.. but certainly not a bike ride (like I am used to anyway).
The first 2 miles of my ride was uneventful. I noticed a park ranger (huh? in a park that has 2 miles to “ranger”?) was walking around. She kept looking at me. Did she have a premonition of what was to come? My first thought was she didnt like that I was riding a bike in “her” park. Fair enough.
As I progressed, I encountered the usual bike ride ruiners. You all know who I am talking about. The old man in the middle of the pathway .. do I ride around him to the left? or the right? I rode to the right and heard him yell at me over my stern show interview.
The dog walker lady; walking on the left hand side of the path.. with a dog on a leash taking up an entire right hand side of space.
I had to ride well into the grassy side of the left hand side to avoid her. This was probably the start of my “Final Destination” chain of events. My tires got muddy. These are the same tires I have had since 2004.. and according to my little bicycle computer gizmo, I have put close to 700 miles on my bike/tires since then.
Still I peddled on.. I was only at the 2 mile mark and had another 2 laps to go before I could feel I accomplished a work out (and 6 miles is pretty sucky workout wise anyway). I passed the park ranger (who was now smoking on a bench) and started to see that current path I was taking would take me through the wedding party photos.. I had to back track.
“Seconds From Disaster” deconstructs moment-by-moment the chain of events leading to some of the world’s most infamous disasters.
I rode through some geese or seagull crap, and was on a straightaway with a slight hill.
I noticed a few puddles next to a small pond, but it seemed nothing out of the ordinary. I rode through one of these puddles and started to lean to the right when..
“OH FUCK”.
My bike tire must have hit some algae or “pond scum” under the puddle and the tire went out from under me.. and the bike to the right.
I went over the bike wrists first into the (very hard) asphalt path.
I landed on my chest (I think?) and quite possibly had the bike partially under my chest on impact. I was going 20 mph, and hit the ground at that full speed.
Pain and adrenaline.. that ringing sound in the ear.. that taste in the mouth. We have all had it in our lives (unless you are a bubble boy).
I managed to stand up, and did an assessment. My right shoulder was jacked up.. though i could move my arm. so it wasnt broken.
My wrists both hurt, including my left hand, with the thumb I had dislocated a few years prior (when cross country skiing; yet another attempt at exercise that led to personal injury).
I was bleeding bad on my right elbow and knees.. I didnt hit my head at all, but if I did.. I was wearing a helmüt.
My first thought was “who saw me just take this pathetic wipeout?” I looked up.. and my glasses had started to fog up.
The park ranger had saw me.
I raised my arm and winced in pain.. “I’m alright!”..The Stern show interview continued to play and seemed excessively loud in my ear. “So have you ever tried anal?”..Howard expertly asked the Amish model he had in his studio.
I guess since my ipod is still playing, I didnt break it. It was one little victory.
I picked my bike up and started to push it towards a nearby bench. The bike was totally fine (150$ bought at Target I may add), but I was in bad shape.
Why was my first instinct to look normal and not draw attention to myself? a young couple came into view and were walking towards where I was sitting. I tried to look normal.. even covering up my gushing elbow with my tshirt. They passed. Heaven forbid they would interact with me asking if I was ok. I was not in the mood for small talk..
Insurance costs began dancing through my head. Had this happened in Toronto, I would have gone to urgent care right away. Now I had to think about a huge COpay for urgent care.. vs a regular scheduled appointment. I hate insurance here. Did I break something? I just blew $1000 that I could have saved if I just went home and drank pepsi on the couch.
The park ranger eventually reached me and we went through the whole schpeal. I was ok. No I didnt need help. I forgot to ask her how the hell she is a park ranger for a park that is less than 2 miles in circumference.
Once she left, I twisted my arm in such a way that I was able to open my “fanny pack”. Speaking of “fanny packs”, I like to call mine a “hip sack”. Yeah, that’s right. I wear one. I wear one cause’ I cant fit everything I need to carry around with me in my pockets. I carry a pocket knife (named a “hip sack” knife in this case..).. tylenol.. car keys.. ipod.. phone, and my wallet. Nothing ended up crushed or damaged in my fall (as I knew by the ongoing Howard interview).. so with that, I gathered up my bike and limped off to my car.. all the while trying to remain calm and unphased by one of only a handful of major falls I have taken in my life.
Lifting the bike into the back of the car was an exercise in pain, but I eventually managed to get the bike somewhat in. I wasnt able to push it totally inside, so the back door/hatch of my car remained “ajar” on the drive home.
Lauren called as I was about to head home and I explained what went down. She had no idea how bad it was until I got home, but she became my nurse and got me all bandaged and sterilized. When asked if I wanted anything to eat, I could only think of having a popsicle.. the “rocket” variety (red/white/blue). Those were always tasty. I got myself sitting up in bed and started to watch “Wipeout”. It made me laugh, and that hurt alot.. but it sorta was 
canceled out by the fact I was laughing. I always loved “MXC” which aired on SpikeTV here. There is just something about asian people hurting themselves that makes me laugh. The Americanized “wipeout” is extended to an hour and isnt really that funny.. I ended up tracking down an MXC complete series set and have downloaded that. GETTT IT ON!
So lets see.. I toughed it through the next day, but it was hard to breath on my right hand side. I didnt see any visible bruising, but it was difficult to cough.. and forget sneezing (one slipped out and it was excruciating). I of course took to the internet to research my injury (bike fall breathing – my keywords) and began reading of punctured lungs, and infections causing death. you gotta love the internet. I decided to go see the doctor the following day (Thursday).. and luckily was able to make an appointment, thus saving a boat load of cash vs the walking in off the street rate our insurance has for us.
The appointment was for noon. I got there at 1155am. I had to wait 30 mins, until I was allowed into the second waiting room level. 10 mins goes by and I finally see the doctor. She confirms that I am f’d up. She wants me to get x-rayed, and walks me down to the x-ray room. This process is always fun.. and who knows how safe it is. Chest x-rays (for shoulder and ribs), elbow xrays, and left hand/wrist x-ray. I bet I was glowing after that.
Once the x-rays were done, I was taken by a nurse back to the second waiting room.. where I waited.. and waited, and waited some more. I waited 90 mins infact. The nurse had said the doctor would be right with me didnt she? ALL CELL PHONES MUST BE TURNED OFF the sign says.. but I turned mine on and signed into messenger. Lauren asked what was going on.. and I let her know I had no idea. I was still waiting!
All they had to read was GOLF Digest, and GOLF World. GOLF!!
I could hear people talking outside of the door.. discussing typical office crap, but nothing about the doctor. Where was she?
“She is ordering the McPizza” I told Lauren.. and old inside joke relating to McDonalds failed attempt at Pizza.. called The McPizza. Anyone ordering one would need to wait 10 minutes or more until the Pizza was cooked.
I decided to go out of the room (breaking the rules!) and made eye contact with an overweight woman sitting at a nearby desk. “I have to go to the bathroom” I said. I thought perhaps she would see me and go “Holy shit, this guy has been in there for 90 mins! let’s notify the doctor”. No such luck.
My leak was completed, and I returned back to the room.. to wait again. I looked at my cell phone clock. “If she is not here by 2:35pm..I am leaving”.. etc.
2:35 passed.
“2:40pm.. I mean it this time”.
2:41pm arrived and I once again opened the door. The big girl was no where to be found.. but I did see the nurse that helped me almost 3 hours ago walk by. I flagged her down. “How much longer will this take?”
“Ill go find out”. What the French lady!..
Another 10 mins passed and there was finally a knock at my door..
Was I going to die? Do I have a cracked rib?
It was the nurse!
“The X-rays are still being processed.. so we will go ahead and let you leave. Once they are ready, we will give you a call.. and let you know if you have to come back.”
WHAt!?
You couldnt tell me this 2 hours ago? 2 hours? GOLF MAGAZINE ONLY TO READ!!
It was a frustrating experience.
I couldnt even think clearly at that point.. it was almost 3pm now and I hadnt had anything to eat since 9am.
This is the mighty US health care system as well I may add. The one that puts down the Canadian system as “slow” and “socialist”. You know what? This never happened to me in Canada.
Lauren was livid. I had to get back to work as I only had 2 hours left of the day.
Long story short… Lauren unleashed the beast and they didnt know what hit them. She ended up getting a personal apology from the doctor. Some focacta story about how they were short staffed.. and that the nurse that was working with her that day was not her nor4mal nurse.. and that nurse didnt come back and let her know that I was waiting.
This is me playing the worlds saddest song on the worlds smallest violin.
On the bright side, the doc felt bad and bestowed upon me a 2 month supply of Vicodin. Ahh.. bless.
FIN.
